| You've gone away and you don't feel me here anymore |
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| 06:47pm 24/08/2004 |
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mood:  calm
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Once again it looks as though i am parting from my lovely jess-made journal. Sometimes i like to type how i feel out, but i think most of the time it's better off in my mind. I can't explain it when what i feel isn't words. Nothing really happens in my life but i do think a lot so i guess that's why i always end up rambling on about how i feel. Besides, i'm selfish; my thoughts are all i have so i'm not sharing them unless i get polite requests.
My mood of elation at finding i like being alive has worn off a bit. But i still don't mind being here. I used to feel like there was this thick dark barrier between my skin and myself. I can gage my moods pretty well by that. It's almost gone. A little left in my arms and back. But that i don't mind. I know i'll be able to take things in stride this school year. I guess i'm just trying out a new way of looking at things and i shall hope this way will be more successful.
I am pretty reclusive sometimes, but i never want to push people away. I am always here even when it might seem i'm not. |
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| I've got the key to open all the gates I see |
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| 02:33pm 20/08/2004 |
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mood:  impressed
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Just got back from a bike ride in the 90 degree heat. When the air is that heavy it really holds scents. So it's great to go by the chicken farm. I went by a clover field though and it was almost unbearably sweet then. Oh well, a little sweat never hurt anyone. I am in a mood when nothing really can bother me. For about a mile I ended up stuck behind this construction vehicle and was breathing in the sweet gasoline infused air. And i just laughed. Usually i would have a little fit. I went by where the dead fox is and it didn't make me sad today, didn't make me cringe or anything. I was so upset when i saw it the first time because it's fur was so shiny and red. Its eyes weren't even fogged over. And it made me sad to think it would never run again. Would never prick it's little ears up in alert. But i'm tired of being afraid of death. What is so horrible about death really? The bones of that fox are now all that's left and they're pearly white, sun bleached. It didn't make me sad though. My turn will come too someday. Everyone's will. Without it life wouldn't be complete. Just because we don't know what death brings doesn't mean we must fear it. Yes, i finished Man's Search for Meaning yesterday. It's got me all thoughtful now. I absolutely loved the book. I've been depressed for years because i saw life as having no meaning. I expected something brilliant and fulfilling. I really liked how this book turned that around saying, "It does not really matter what we expect from life, but rather what life expects from us." I
This hawk kept flying over me on my way home. Its shadow was right over top of me. So it looked like there was an angel riding a bike, hah. It was neat though.
"A rich and mighty Perisan once walked in his garden with one of his servants. The servant cried that he had just encountered Death, who had threatened him. He begged his master to give him the fastest horse so that he could flee to Teheran, which he could reach that same evening. The master consented and the servant galloped off. On returning to his house the master met Death and questioned why Death had threatened his servant. Death replied 'I did not threaten him; I only showed surprise in meeting him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran.' " I liked that story a lot. It really is no use running from death, it's inevitable and the best way to deal with it is to welcome it with dignity. The same with suffering..."If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be some meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete."
The book was kind of an introduction to logotherapy. Since "logos" means meaning in Latin you could say it's meaning therapy. I agree with this a lot more than Freud's "will to pleasure" and Adler's "will to power." Frankl's studies are based on the "will to meaning." I think the lack of meaning definitely can lead to depression. Especially in the society we live in today where "we have the means but no meaning." The ideas just really clicked with how i think i guess. Or maybe i just read a lot into it. It really made some things seem clearer though. I liked how it stated the old shouldn't envy the young for their possibilities, the young should envy the old for their realities. Just so much to think on. I need make someone read this book so they can discuss it with me. I go over things like this with myself it comes out completely garbled like this, haha.
Oh, i thought this story was super neat too. The author of the book, Dr. Frankl, was talking to a group of people. He questioned them that could an ape who was being used to help develope poliomyelitis serum, and for this reason being punctured again and again, ever understand its suffering? The entire group (and me) answered no, it never would be able to understand. Then he asked "What about man? Are you sure that the human world is a terminal point in the evolution of the cosmos? Is it not conceivable that there is still another dimension, a world beyond man's world; a world in which the question of an ultimate meaning of human suffering would find an answer?" Damn... |
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| 12:59am 19/08/2004 |
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mood:  melancholy
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This is nice to have when i just want someone to talk to. About nothing specific. I just wish there was someone i could hear right now. If i went to bed earlier i would be asleep now and not wishing that. But i'm foolish and school starts soon so i thought one more night up late. Which i'll probably tell myself countless times before i actually obey it.
Maybe tiredness does make me a bit melancholy. Things seem to be going fast and there's nothing to hang onto. I guess i just have to get used to it. Puts me in the mood to clean furiously. Make everything as perfect as i can. Kind of quiets any longings i have. Typing makes me feel better too. Seeing the words appear as i form them in my mind. Neat rows of simple black and white lines. Makes things seem less complicated than i make them.
So i'll wake up whenever i want to tomorrow but go to bed early and start to get back on track. I'll eat three meals a day again and take my vitamins. I suppose i have been neglecting my health. I do that periodically. So now i will get back onto a healthy kick. Probably another control tactic. Not a harmful one though. So i see no need to talk myself out of it. It's easier for me to live if i feel like i'm running smoothly along the track even if i don't know where it leads.
I'll be nice to myself tomorrow, i guess today. Sometimes i torment myself in my head too much. I'll be home alone most of the day. I'll talk to the pets and put music on loud. When i'm done making everything as neat as possible i'll read. I don't want to watch Brent play volleyball. I want to be home alone and let the silence sink in with the words i'm reading. I'm going to restart Man's Search for Meaning because i really like and i am afraid to have missed something in it. Besides, it's much cleaner to start a book from the beginning.
I wish i could cry. Last time i cried was the beginning of May. The type of sobs that choke you. I cried freely enough before i was on anti-depressants so i guess that might be it. I wish they would let me cry though. Just occasionally. I just want to feel tears trailing across my face. One of those moods when i just want something to break. Not literally though.
Well i shall go to bed and let sleep work its magic. |
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| Every little second is time and now every word seems to rhyme |
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| 09:34pm 18/08/2004 |
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mood:  hopeful
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I hate needing 13 hours of sleep! I'm going to have to go to bed at 9 on school nights or something... well since i didn't wake up till 1 today i barely did anything. I went to a movie with Vicky-tay, Stevie, and Ryan. It was nice they thought of me. They were going to see The Village but since i already saw that they chose Little Black Book, haha. It was a terrible movie but the movie theater by the mall only plays a couple movies and we refused to see Alien vs. Predator. It was fun wandering around the mall with them awhile. I think almost the entire group of us dorks has lunch 7th so that'll be good. We're pretty much just the students ranked from 15-1, haha. I have to get ahead of Stevie though. Obsessive little twit, studying 3 hours for a math test! haha, but yeah he's nice enough. They like me and i like them enough i suppose. Better than the other kids at school at least. Some of them even read books! Vicky-tay had a Donnie Darko shirt on! I have missed her and she apologized for sort of ignoring me for her boyfriend. So i guess i can't say i don't have friends. I just don't have close friends.
I went to another therapist yesterday. One hundred dollars an hour! Dear lord, a job in the mental health profession just keeps sounding better. I know pretty much everything they say to me anyway. Had to regurgitate all of my little history again. That gets tiresome. I think i might be able to get my mom to make me go only once a month. Insurance doesn't cover anymore for this year so i should be able to get her to agree. The only thing a therapist does that is helpful for me is to let me bounce my ideas off of them for validation. Since i don't have many people around to do that with and they see things from a detached perspective. I do feel like i can handle things a lot better on my own. So there may not be anything magnificent that i can see visibly in my future, but i'm still going forward and it's not that bad. I might even end up enjoying it. |
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| Wait until you see what i plan to be |
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| 07:44pm 17/08/2004 |
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mood: mellow
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I want to pick tomatoes and strawberries every year until i'm being fertilizer for them. I really can't decide which i like to pick better...with strawberries they're fun to eat along the way and they're harder to find. So it's neat to lift up a rain laden leaf and find a cluster of bright red strawberries beneath it. And they smell so sweet. It's just fun. When you're a kid you enjoy things just because it looks neat or smells nice...and i still do. I found a perfect tomato today and i almost danced around, haha. Oh but yes, the charm of picking tomatoes...well there's that lovely summer smell. I've been trying to figure out what it is but i can't seem too. I love how tomatoes make your skin smell after you pick them. And when you pull it off the vine it makes that snap. Hmm, maybe i've been sniffing flowers outside for a little too long.
I've had a cold the past few days. Or maybe it's allergies. So sunday i just sat around reading the moldy national geographics. Then Brent came home for once and offered to play bad mitten with me. I always complain that no one ever plays with me so i couldn't turn that down. He beat me both times but then again he's a good half foot taller than me and he's volleyball star boy. 8-15 isn't too too bad. haha, my bra came undone somehow when we were playing so i had to run inside and sara and i just started cracking up. maybe you had to be there. I found a little toad in the garden too. I've never lost my delight in finding things like that. Heck, i find a violet and it makes my day. It was a very nice toad. He let me pet him awhile.
There's been lots of gymnastics on lately. So that means i've been doing tons of handstands and backbends, haha. The guys just amazed me last night. Those japanese men on the high bar! My vocabulary was pretty much "hot damn" or "holy shite." It was late though...ahh, and then if they fall, i end up jumping off the couch and shrieking. i'm get entirely to into it. But it was so cute when the japanese guys won and they all were smiling and hugging each other. It made me happy.
Tonight's more women's gymnastics but the damn news on the computer told me romania won. grr, i like the suspense!! Romania is an eastern-european country so i have no problem with them winning. I would have liked Russia to win though because Svetlana is on the Russian team. Svetlana Khorkina is my sister and i's favorite gymnast. She's 5'4"!! Dear lord, a giant! We always find that amusing. And she's 25 now (her third olympics) so she's considered ancient. Another interesting fact is she is the only gymnast to have posed for playboy, haha.
I went to the bookstore last night. Stevie is having people over to his house on saturday for his birthday so i got him a charmed book, haha. And i've found i have a serious addiction to buying a book everytime i go into a book store. I ended up with two last night. One is a retelling of the Magic Flute. I can't resist the fairytale retellings. The other is a bunch of short stories by Stewart O'Nan. Then tonight sara and i went to Border's to kill some time between her orthodontist appointment and meeting my mom for dinner. Bad idea. I was forced into buying another book by my lovely greedy book loving nature. Now this one i found in the psychology section. It's sort of a mix of a Holocaust memoir and what the guy learned. He's a psychiatrist now. I'm always interested in how people got through the Holocaust. I mean what did they tell themselves? Everything they've ever had is pretty much gone...basically all of their family is dead and the world is full of people hating them. I've read a fair bit about the Holocaust now but none of them ever talk about their outlook on life.
Well i'm off to cheer for the midget gymnasts. |
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| Never meant to waste your time. Never meant to fall out of line. |
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| 08:26pm 14/08/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative
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I don't think anyone is born "evil" or with hatred in their veins. I think it's life, your surroundings, people, who cause the darker emotions to come out usually. There are legacies of hatred, prejudice, pain, ignorance...passed on and on and there is no way to say it really is those people's faults when they believe it. When it's all they have ever known. A person may do countless horrible things but there has to be some good in them, even if it disappeared long ago. At one point everyone has to have had the potential to be what the people of today consider a good human being.
But i am sure i sound naive and cliche...a lot of my observations are. I think hate is pointless. But i have felt hate.
I'm all thoughtful once again and once again i can never exactly put into words what i think. Oh well, it's only for myself that i try to organize my thoughts a bit. They come too fast though to be able to all completely be made sense of. A thought comes and a feeling is left behind and before you know it you don't know why you feel the way you do.
Anyway, enough of the things swirling in my mind. I just finished watching Monster with Sara. Definitely glad we did not watch that with dad. That's what got me thinking along those threads i suppose. It thought the movie was pretty potent. But that may just be me and my overly emotional self. I feel like i would have killed them too.
Today has went really fast. Woke up and had to go to a reunion of my dad's college friends. No one there i knew so i just kind of stood around and smiled at the old reminiscing guys. Eventually i got so bored i started talking to the little kids that were there. And damnit, i found i didn't mind it. I had these four little boys following me around and talking to me and i liked it. Why did they name me Rachel? I do not want my name to mean motherly! I do not want to be motherly! Oh well, maybe i would be condemned to it anyway.
Sara and i left early because Sara had a meeting to practice some music for a wedding. My sister...the wedding singer, haha. Oh, my mom made sure to introduce Sara as the singer and then of course she'd stare puzzled at me trying to figure out what to label me...eventually she comes up with Rachel the poet. But really Rachel the poet hasn't written a poem in quite a few months but since she won one little award my mother seems to think she is a poet. And wow, i just was ranting in third person. Can't i just be Rachel though? There's more to me than an activity or talent...if they want to know me they can talk to me. I know that is not the way things work though and mostly people never mean to offend me when asking "and what do you do?" Let's write that off to my sensitivity also.
Sara and i had dairy queen for dinner because that is what we do when we're on our own. My mom would prefer for us to go eat some greasy cheeseburgers and then have the ice cream...but our waistlines aren't that accommodating. |
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| I wonder how i can go on and on |
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| 11:48pm 13/08/2004 |
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mood: awake
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I actually woke up this morning and exercised like i've been telling myself to do all summer. So i went running all decked out with my cd player and stopwatch. I refuse to time myself anymore but i brought the stopwatch out of retirement so i could do some run/walk intervals. And hills, woot! Who doesn't love hills? I only did a couple but it wasn't all that bad even if i am in sad shape. I sprinted a bit at the end and it was fun, not torture as i supposed it would be. I like to sprint fast enough that my cd player skips and i don't even really feel human. Like you're not really telling your body to move...your arm and legs are just propelled with momentum. I don't think it will be an every morning thing though still, haha. I picked some queen anne's lace then. I always like how queen anne's lace looks so delicate but it's quite a hardy wildflower type. I love putting food coloring in the water and having the flower change color. haha, i was amazed by that when i was really little and i still am.
I had another of those father/daughter days. Fun stuff considering dad's idea of a day together is to run errands like dropping off his suits and getting beer. I learned though that if a beer is an ice it has more alchohol content. And i am sure that will aid me later in life. Oh, i got my darling little Macbeth book! It's from 1911 and i fell in love with it when i took it out from the library. So i asked if i could buy it. The little old ladies looked it up and found out it was worth 5 dollars so they said they would give it to me for 3. We gave them 5 though since the Dillsburg library is quite short on funds. It wasn't even really that i like Macbeth all that much...i just love the little orange book with it's navy scrolls on the front and all the ripped pages with notes on the edges. I'd love to collect old books that aren't worth anything but have been read by so many people. All right, i'll stop getting all sappy over the books...
We just finished watching Cold Mountain. AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i knew Jude Law would die, i knew it!!! Damn albino boy had to kill him. But of course Nicole and Jude had one night together and produced a lovely little daughter. It always works that way. It would have been nicer if the guy could actually live in the end...but i guess it's more fun to watch people in pain or something...never really got that. I thought the movie was really good even if the ending did get me all upset. Kind of went along with the moth to the flame idea...one moment of bliss is worth more than an empty lifetime. It was a historical movie so i guess my opinion doesn't count too much on it then cause i like pretty much any historical movies. Plus it had lots of actors i liked. Jena Malone was in it. Didn't know that. She died about 2 minutes after she appeared but that's okay. Oh dear, i hope no one actually reads my journal that wants to see that movie. |
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| I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star... |
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| 08:05pm 12/08/2004 |
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mood:  good
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I'm quite worn out but in a good mood so i don't really mind. I made Sara take me to Knoebel's today. I love that amusement park. I've went there every year as long as i can remember. It is MY park. It's such a funny little place. They call cotton candy "floss." The park is surrounded by mountains and there are lots of pine trees in it. Sara and i aren't hardcore amusement park girls anymore so we just bought tickets for the rides we wanted to go on. I always think that's fun, you can walk around the park all day without paying. Of course, it started to rain as soon as we got there but i was determinedly cheerful so it didn't faze me much. Not even the bathrooms with the doors you can see over bothered me. Knoebel's just makes me happy because i feel like a five year old again. We rode the antique cars first. Good stuff. I am such an awesome driver. I make sure to hit the sides the entire time. Then we rode the Phoenix, such a classic wooden coaster. It raining really hard when we were on it so we got soaked. You fly out of your seat a lot on that one so that is how you know it is a superb roller coaster. Ahh, then the Cosmotron! It's an inside ride with a disco ball and strobe lights. They blare this heavy rock music and you spin in circles. Such a romantic ride...haha. I always catch people making out on it since it's in the dark. One my other favorites has to be the little roller coaster. It's really old, rusty, and smells bad. But it's another classic. You go around it 4 times and fly out of your seat. Sara and i beat the evil little children to the front seat. After that it began to rain really hard and it was a cold rain. So we got ice cream. It was an experience to sit eating ice cream in the rain...i love dippin dots though. I am endlessly amused by ice cream shaped into tiny dots. Ooh, then we went on the best ride in the entire park. The haunted house!! I get too excited over this, haha. You have to have been on the haunted house to understand. Sara sat on my lap as she always does on that ride. It's quite terrifying mind you, haha. Then we went to another spectacular ride, the flume! We found out the flume is where all the nice looking young fellows work. We liked that ride. Of course, we had to make extremely odd faces when they take your picture on the big hill. When the water hit me i had a bit of a laughing fit...but laughing is good for you. Next we went to the carousel museum to get all hyped up to go on the carousel. They have a bunch of old carousel horses there. Okay, final ride was the carousel. Also a must because it's one of the only carousels where you grab rings as you spin around. My horse was black and i named it Lucinda. We got 8 rings so i beat Sara who only had 7. I really do sound like a five year old...
We made a couple detours on the way home. Drove up Aqueduct Rd. just because we wanted to see where it went. Lots of ferns lining it so i was happy. Oh, and we also had to check out Red Hill Rd. too. We turned around at the adult video store, haha. There are an awful lot of those on the way to Knoebel's. Ate dinner on the way home and here i am now. Too much excitement for me, i'm going to bed early most likely. I actually could truthfully say i like life right now. Because i'm always learning something. And it's stupid to feel bad about my screw ups when they've ended up helping me anyway. What's happened happened so it was supposed to happen since it did happen. You just have to go along with it i think and know things will come out alright in the end. I finished my book, Ombria in Shadow, and it got me all on this destiny/balance kick. When Ombria, which is the city, falls into decay and ruin the balance of good and evil is shaken so the "shadow city" balances it out then and things go back to normal. Things had to become horrible though before it gets back to normal. So that goes along with the idea that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
I don't know how i can be in such a good mood...i guess i just don't mind being myself as much right now. If i wasn't myself i wouldn't have this mind and i wouldn't appreciate being something different then anyway. You always want what you can't have is quite true, at least for me. So i might as well resign myself to who i am and start appreciating the good things instead of moaning about all of my flaws. I may not have tons of friends and people who care about me but if i'm happy with myself i don't need other people's opinions to bolster that. Although it is nice to have people there for you. I always have my baby cats though. It's kind of scary to substitute that for people...but I love waking up with all three of them in my room. And Charlie always crawls out from under my bed when i wake up then too. It's not as hard to get up then. I hope this will last into the school year...or else i'll be going to bed at 6 every night so i'll be able to get out of bed.
Alright, rambling concluded. |
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| she's seeing too clearly what she can't be |
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| 07:50pm 09/08/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Yay, i get to sleep in my own bed tonight! Those hotel beds can get pretty hostile you know. Other than that and seeing the menagerie again being home isn't that wonderful...sara and both my parents are all bickering about who knows what. And Brent left an ungodly mess around the house too. At least he remembered to take care of the pets though.
Our little college trip wasn't as bad as i thought but it wasn't exactly enjoyable. Friday evening we got to Oberlin around 12. And then i listened to the lovely cacophony of my family snoring. Oberlin is a cute little town. A lot better than Dillsburg but really not much bigger. It actually is alive there, haha. I made friends with this fir tree that told me to "keep smiling." Yeah, there were signs on all of the trees. So had to go over and read about how old they all were. One was from the 1840's so i had to hug it because...i'm not sure. I thought the college was pretty nice. Some really neat Victorian type houses that upperclassmen can live in. The admissions lady just talked about herself for 45 minutes so i got sorter bored then. They didn't let me bring a book. But father and i bonded in our boredom. Such wonderful memories. There is an little art museum on the campus though that i found interesting. Sara didn't get to see much of the conservatory so it looks like she'll be making a journey out there again to talk to her beloved Richard Miller. I'd consider Oberlin for myself if the people who go there weren't so damn musical. I can't imagine being around all those talented people and surviving somehow...plus the big music scenes on campus are classical, jazz, folk, punk, and hip hop. That will not do.
We didn't have much time left then so we just drove to Pittsburgh. Sara got sick like she always does when we travel so we got to hang around the bathrooms a bit. It's not a family trip without it. We went to the hot tub later in the evening just to kill time. Plus, sara and i have good times singing in hot tub. Vetoed the idea of swimming though because someone threw up in the pool. It was grand.
Sunday we ate breakfast at the free buffet thing at the hotel and it just scares me how people act around free food! It's not even really free...but yeah. My mom saw this woman hitting her little girl so my mom says to us that she can't stand looking at little kids being hurt by their parents. Off course sara has to add a malicious little comment to my mom. Told her "i guess you can't look at yourself then." Which really pissed me off. Our mom really did not hit us that much and my parents have always tried hard i know. My mom feels really bad about things like that too. And sara is constantly calling her fat. I get sick of her putting us all down. Everything out of her mouth is hateful and mocking. She doesn't say too many things like that anymore to me though which is good. Although she does love teasing me because i have boobs and she doesn't. She's just jealous damnit. Okay, that was a nice rant. I like sara but i've been around her a lot lately so i get annoyed.
We went to Monaca then. Which is where my mom grew up. It is a creepy little town. My grandparent's house wasn't as bad as it is sometimes. Although i went up to the bathroom and there was cat crap all over the rug so i made a vow to not use their bathroom ever again. Pappy offered sara and i some "pop" at least 10 times and he kept telling my dad to have a beer. What a great host, haha. We got out of there awhile when we walked to a house my uncle and cousin are building in the town. I never mind visiting them. They're probably my favorite cousins. Only Matt was there though since Becky got married a couple months ago. And Matt needs to get out of Monaca too.
The big event of the visit was going out to eat. Yes, that is right, Bubby left the house! This does not happen often. It's quite a production to get her in the car and such. My Aunt Angie screams the whole time, very encouraging you know. The surprising thing was the place we went to was actually nice. Around Monaca you have King's and the Chi Chi's where a bunch of people got hepatitis A. So we ventured a bit farther to this place my Aunt loves. Shakespeare's Castle or something...and it was in a castle. I was confused. This area is not very affluent and they have this huge castle with a gorgeous country club. I had fun reading the menu because all of the dishes were named after one of Shakespeare's plays or characters. I had Macbeth. He's a tasty scamp i must say.
I tried to talk to Bubby somemore this visit but most of the time she laughs at us. I showed her War and Peace and said i was reading it and she laughed. So then i showed her some pictures of animals in national geographic and she seemed mildly interested. That's out there for me...usually i'm terrified of old people but i felt bad for her. As long as i don't have to touch them i am fine. And if i had to, i bet i could. So i'm not as evil as i sound. I hope.
We went to my Aunt Pauline's after that and my Uncle John gave me a glass of wine, haha. It tasted like grape juice so i didn't mind. They have a bunch of beagles so i'm always entertained there. Not to mention i was inebriated, haha. That's a joke i have with kistler...i haven't gotten drunk in my life yet and it's not high on my list of to do's anyway.
Today we woke up at 6. Nightmare. It was like waking up for school. I didn't get 13 hours of sleep and i've been dying all day. We had to Carnegie Mellon early though to talk to some music lady. Carnegie Mellon was really nice. I was not expecting that because we drove around the outskirts once and it wasn't too hot looking. The architecture was gorgeous though. The fine arts building was my favorite. Lots of marble carvings and a big mural on the ceiling. I would have liked looking around a lot more though if i wasn't so damn tired. The tour and such was a lot more interesting too. I like hearing about all the weird little traditions of the college.
I finished "what happened to lani garver." I gave it a plus in my book log. I read in one day and kept getting yelled at for not looking at the scenery. Sometimes i just get sucked into books. And this book was easy to get into and a lot of it seemed related to me. The girl in the book had an eating disorder so that always gets me going. For awhile it makes me want to be anorexic again. It's strange. I remember telling myself i would never ever want to be like that again. But the idea of controlling every aspect of yourself has always appealed to me a little. I know i tried to control every emotion i had when i was like that and i did it pretty well. But when i think of that time i feel like i was blind and so unaware of everything going on. I was completely wrapped up in counting calories and trying to be perfect. So then i can tell myself i do not want to go back to that. Because the beauty of emotions is that you can't control the damn things really. You think you have but you're really just turning a blind eye to yourself. And it's impossible to live if you don't even know what you feel. I actually feel alive and like i see things clearly now. No one else in my family knows how much it takes to break some of those beliefs,unless i am misjudging them. You're fighting against your own mind. And it's scary when your mind is the biggest obstacle in your life. But it's also absurd so i have really been trying on my own. I never want to be bulimic again definitely...while anorexia is control bulimia is completely out of control. Alway feeling panic and fear so that it comes to the point when the eating disorder seems like the only thing that can calm you down. I think about this stuff a lot i guess since it really has been a big impact in my life. And sometimes i feel sort of proud that i'm doing so much better now on my own. Or maybe it's just the pills. But i think i must have had something to do with it.
Wow, i typed a lot about that...and it was just a small portion of all of my analyzing and pondering over the past, hah. Well it interests me and it kept me busy on the car ride to ohio and such. So i don't see any harm in analyzing myself and being self centered because if i do want to be a psychologist i damn well better have some of my problems sorted out. I was getting all worried today though that i wouldn't be able to get into a good college because i'm not "well-rounded." Yeah, i read all the time and i know it. I refuse to do any school activities. I spend 7 hours a day with those kids and that is more than enough. So i guess i'll end up volunteering at the animal shelter. I love animals so i should be able to survive that.
Okay, i should shut up. I haven't really talked to anyone all weekend and this is what happens. |
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| all you need is not what you're getting |
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| 09:11pm 05/08/2004 |
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mood: discontent
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I'm feeling impatient this evening...i'm always waiting for something. What an attitude to live life with. Waiting for the next thing to get through and never enjoying the moment. Trying to break myself of that. I want to be able to enjoy a moment just because i have the chance.
So i spent an hour reading the dictionary. That'll teach me some patience. Got through the A's finally. I started reading the dictionary earlier this year but decided i wasn't doing it thoroughly enough so i restarted a bit ago. I'm write down the words i'm not familiar with and making a personalized dictionary just for me. I always have to light a candle when i read the dictionary. Then i feel like some scholar poring over an ancient text. Besides, candles smell nice and flames are intriguing to look at.
Oh, A Cinderella Story was just phenomenal. Like Hilary is sooo deep when she like tells the guy "waiting for you is like waiting for this drought to end. disappointing and useless." i started laughing then and got some dirty looks. Sara, me, and Lydia always go see teeny bopper movies like that. Sara likes them so we go along and make fun of them. Lydia is an entertaining soul. Too bad Sara gets territorial over her.
I just felt like typing more. Not too many people to talk to. Not that i have anything all that important to say. We're leaving on our trip tomorrow to look at some colleges for Sara. Oberlin and Carnegie Mellon. Driving 7 hours will be great i'm sure. Actually i'll probably like that part of it more than wandering around the colleges that i have no interest in. Carnegie Mellon is ugly too. At least Oberlin might have some nice scenery. We're going to visit my grandparents in Pittsburgh on the way home. There house is always such a mess and it smells so strange but...i sound like a spoiled brat. I always survive. Just not big on old people. I get all edgy. Bubby is super out of it and can't walk and my mom gets all sad that she doesn't know who my mom is. And very seldomly can i understand anything Pappy says. Pappy does not like to use deodorant..just a nice add on fact. I always try to talk to him about the Ukraine and WWII but it never works out too well. Can't forget my Aunt Angie. She's never married so she lives with her parents still and talks to her cats. I think it's going to be a must that i get married or else i could get like her...i already talk to the cats all the time.
Hopefully i'll snap out of the newest evil little mood i'm in. I feel like i'm missing someone or something all the time. It's hard to think of other things then. Well, i'm going to see if i can get through the introduction of War and Peace tonight. I'm sure it shall be thrilling. |
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| once again, surrounded by moving walls |
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| 01:39pm 05/08/2004 |
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mood: these moods do not apply to me
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It is quite a lovely day outside. Nice and windy and not too much sun. So i was strangely possessed with the mood to run. Well, not really running...i call it a slow trot. Since i am a shetland pony afterall. Sara wanted to come with me but if i am going to run i like to go alone. At least you can think then and it's just disturbing to have someone beside you huffing and puffing. And i like to stop and randomly stare at things. Which i did a lot of today. I found some honeysuckles so of course i had to stop and drink honeysuckle juice. I recommend honeysuckle juice highly to everyone. I have a passion for it. Then i stopped at the bridge back on the way to my house and i sat there awhile and stared at the creek. and i ended up going into the woods and being a wood nymph because i am weird. People were better off in the old days only because they got to live in the woods and be wood nymphs all the time. It is awfully fun. I went out on this mossy log that has fallen into the water and sat there a bit. Then i decided if i really was going to be a wood sprite i should be barefoot. My mother would have been scandalized considering cows sometimes go near that creek, ahhh! Surprisely i didn't care if i got dirty today. Usually i'm such a fastidious little spazz bat about that. So i waded over to some more logs with little pools of water in them. Those are fairy mirrors. Eventually i climbed up the other side of the bank and my feet kept sinking into the mud and it was not very pleasant feeling but i made it and then i washed my feet off in the creek again. So now i will get some strange foot disease i'm sure.
I went by one of the mennonite houses and the kids are a lot cuter than other kids i swear. Same with the boys...maybe it's just because they ride tractors. Damn, those tractors are fine. Maybe i'll marry a mennonite boy and ride tractors and pick apples all day. As long as they let me have my books i'd be fine.
It would be better to be a wood nymph though. I figure i can't be a fairy or a sprite because i'm not tiny and ethereal enough. The only requirements for wood nymphs really are to be young and beautiful so i figure with some imagination that will work out better. I'm young at least. I must be tiny bit fey really because i have an elf ear, my face looks like a gnome i've been told, and i've also been told i have hobbit feet.
I walked barefoot on the way home and i decided the road was a dried up river of volcano ash and lava stuff and well the ugly houses...they're just not there. On one of our pine trees there is a little egg and butter plant growing so the little flowers peek out. They would make nice little hats if you were small enough...they look a lot like snap dragons.
I ramble on strangely but really the reality gets old sometimes. I'm sick of sitting at home with Sara all day. And the sad thing is she is the only one i have to do things with even though often i hate how she acts. She wants to A Cinderella Story today so it looks like i'm going to go see a hilary duff movie. i'm sure it will be worth it.
Then again...if i go around imagining things like a five year old maybe i will like it, haha. |
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| You know my name. You don't know me. |
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| 03:55pm 04/08/2004 |
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mood:  indescribable
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I have come to the conclusion that maybe i do feel too much. I have so much of something pent up inside of me. I want to scream, to run, to rip my skin off, to lie down and cry for once, to sleep and never wake up. I don't know what i want. What i want doesn't matter. I am nothing to the world and only something to myself. No one else feels my existance. They may know of it. But they'll never feel it like i do.
I let so many things hurt me and eat away at me. I feel foolish to let small things affect me so much. Maybe the small things affect me because that's all there is. Then i let them go. But somehow even if the memory is faded something painful is always alive. I could say my pain is nothing compared to the pain of others. I'm tired of saying that though. There is no way to measure pain. How does one know I don't feel ten folds the time of pain anyone else does? How does one know that I do not feel a fraction of the pain others feel?
What do you do when you feel too much? I can barely do anything. I fold towels over and over again until i get them as neat as possible. I have always found it is easier if things are neat.
I don't even know what i feel too much of. Such a mottled mix of countless emotions that it is nameless. |
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| Too less to live, too much to die |
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| 08:54pm 02/08/2004 |
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mood:  exhausted
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I stayed up insanely late last night, around 3. But i haven't done that all summer so it was fun to do for once. From now on i'm going to make myself stick to a schedule of going to bed at 12 and getting up at 10 or earlier i think...and then 11 getting up at 9.
Yeah, my exciting sleep schedule. But i had to put that in order since i woke up at 1 today and that is just scandalous. I did not have a day! So this will be a short entry in all probability. I read more National Geographic when i woke up, i'm getting addicted. Read about Shanghai, Trinidad and Tobago, and Australian crocodiles. I feel a bit nerdy...but i've learned more in one day than i have in awhile.
Then a fantastical event occured! My Xandria cd came!! It came all the way from the United Kingdom just for me. And it only took a week. My mom let me get a cd since we're going to be driving for 7 hours to Oberlin on Friday. But i was doubting it would come in time so i was estatic. Over a cd...yeah, i feel materialistic sort of. Music isn't so bad though...um, it feeds the spirit? I couldn't resist listening to it. I told myself to wait until Friday but like that was going to happen. This my second Xandria cd now and this one is better because it has ten more minutes than the other one! I can't even really describe Xandria. They use a lot of different influences in their songs anyway. "Ravenheart" sounds kind of celtic and it has a choir. They use a sitar sometimes, there's a song called "Snow White". And that as good as the description is going to get.
Then to top it off i got to go to library. Ah, it's my dream. New books and cds everyday. The Dillsburg Library really is shameful though. I had a list of 10 authors i was looking for and i found 2 there. But Jess should be happy to know one of those two was Carol Plum-Ucci. So now i'll have to give her my verdict on the book. I just got some easy reads for the trip. One book is a fantasy by Patricia McKillip again and the other is about a girl who makes up a lie that she was raped and i just wanted to know what her motive was. I'll read those along with War and Peace. I'm going to enjoy the drive more than going to the colleges i know. We're visiting colleges for Sara and of course i get to go along for the ride.
I read another essay today in the Arlington Reader, which is my brother's English textbook that he gave to me for the summer. It was a bit of an odd one. This author puts readers into two categories of book lovers: courtly or carnal. Haha, i was telling my mom about this and she asked me if i meant cardinal or something not carnal...but yeah that only refers to someone who doesn't care what condition there book is in as long as there are words. They're the ones that dog ear it, write in it, break the spine and such. Definitely not me. I worship my books! The whole thing, not just the words, is sacred! So i'm a courtly lover, haha.
After the book store we went to Red Robin because my mom loves getting refills of fries. Then we went to just about every store looking for a bright red binder for Sara because a maroon one would just not do. Actually, that sounds like something i would do. At Walmart I got a little six inch ruler that would be easy to have around for geometry. The thing is i didn't put it in the cart because it would have fallen through. And you know me, i go read the magazines while my mom pays. So i have begun my shoplifting career it seems! I just started laughing when i sat down in the car and realized it and my mom didn't care so don't tell the police.
Now i will proceed to go upstairs and read. Because reading is fun. And that will conclude my day. |
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| From where you're standing I never suffer. |
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| 08:20pm 01/08/2004 |
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mood:  nervous
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This morning i woke up to a chorus "fuck" courtesy of my brother. It seems our basement flooded last night with the 4 inches of rain. So he was mad at the wet dry vac or something...Brent left this evening though to go to the beach. So no more profanity but i'll miss him a bit anyway. Anyway, we had a lovely family effort with clearing out the basement. Poor Claire was scared to death since her food and litterbox are down there. Yeah, the cat was the first thing i thought of, haha. Now my dad was distressed about his comic books. i'm glad the basement flooded anyway, it was a mess down there. Plus, we found a box of old National Geographics and they have some really interesting articles. They may be from 1993 but i'll still read them.
I remembered to say "rabbit, rabbit" this morning since it is the first of August. So i should have good luck this month...and my calender, which is a zodiac one, told me this is a month of big romantic and social happenings, haha. Things like that are just fun even if they may not be true. Besides, it's reflex now to lift my feet up over railroad tracks.
It appears i have one glorious month of vacaction left. Well, not even since we go back to school before labor day. I'm happy with my schedule this year so hopefully if i just don't panick about math all the time i could have a pretty good year. I'm trying to keep myself from worrying about school this early though. We like to leave that for the week before or so...
I never like August though. It's usually such a dry, desolate type month. You're facing the end of vacaction and your days of sleeping in are melting away...And Sundays in August are just terrible. I hate Sundays. And Mondays. But after that i can choke it down.
Since nothing happened today rambling is a nice thing to do. The day seemed to go so fast anyway. I guess i'm getting old then, haha. |
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| You give me all but the reason why. |
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| 09:50pm 31/07/2004 |
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mood:  weird
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I really don't have much to update. I just am in a typing mood. I don't feel like having things weigh on my mind because then it seems like it is all on me. If you type it out into words its weight is shared.
We went out again this evening (yeah, me and my family again). I haven't done all that much with friends this summer and i really don't have the desire to. We went to the mall and sara got a shirt for her senior picture. i got some clothes for school..boring stuff like jeans and a plain black coat because those are pretty much the type of things i wear. I like pretty shirts though so i got this lavender one with the neckline lined with ribbon. I also bought War and Peace at the bookstore. I've meaning to read that for awhile. I'm going to take my time with it and really try to get the full meaning. I didn't appreciate Anna Karenina very much because i was in a rush to finish it and i wasn't mature enough i guess.
Today i started another book called To Weave a Web of Magic. That title just seems so romantic/magical to me. So i had to get the book. It's four short fantasy stories and i really like the one author, Patrica Mckillip. I talk about books a lot. And I know it.
On the way home we got to make a lovely stop at the grocery store. Which i would hate if it wasn't for magazines. I just go to the magazine section and read three or four while i'm waiting. I always read the articles about Mary Kate Olsen and her eating disorder and it upsets me that i have to read them. I compare myself to her and think "well she is 10 lbs. thinner than i was when i was anorexic but i'm 3 inches taller than her..." It seems kind of sick or something how eating disorders can become a type of competition and i still always feel that. Then it makes me want to lose weight even more for awhile but then i rationalize and it's all okay. But i hate those moments when i'm thrown back into thinking about disgusting i am. When i know i am not! I don't have anyone to talk about it with though so it's hard to brush away the insecurities constantly. I guess i'm doing pretty good with it though. Sometimes i just want someone to understand and tell me i'm not disgusting and obsessive.
Anyway, that was the only real flaw in my day. Everyday is so ordinary but there always in something if you really look. Something that makes the day its own. Like on the way home there was lots of lightning and it lit up the sky. For a long time afterward i could see it still in the sky and it was really beautiful...like it was caught in my eye. I am quite tired so maybe that's why i'm being a little strange. oh, i'm always strange, haha. well...goodnight voice in my mind i'm talking to silently. But i talk to that voice all night so i really should not say goodbye, just goodbye in typing the words out. uh, i don't know. |
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| Be kind to me or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it...I'm an extraordinary machine |
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| 01:01pm 31/07/2004 |
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mood:  accomplished
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I'm kind of having to force myself to begin typing. It's sort of cumbersome sometimes to be retyping thoughts i had hours ago. But I won't abandon my journal again this soon.
Let's see...yesterday morning only my dad and i were home so he wanted to go out to lunch with me. It's a nice fatherly idea and all but...taco bell? haha, oh well, that's my dad for you. Conversation consists of "so how many pills are you taking now?" and "we should mow the lawn again before it rains." I got a gumball out of it though so i didn't mind particularly much. I was in a fairly pleasing mood yesterday. Plus, i just have a passion for gumballs. Not quite sure why...but the purple ones are the best and i got a purple one yesterday. Oh sweet mercy!
Pretty much just sat around the rest of the day. Read my books and played with the kitties. I started to play Zelda again. I'm determined to beat that game even if it scares the crap out of me, haha. It's kind of weird hanging out playing nintendo in my brother's room though. His screensaver comes on and it's a bunch of very very scarely clad young ladies. But I gave up my TV that was a piece of crap for Baron Snitchzelweasil von Glucose III. I cleaned his tank the other day and i petted him. He really is quite a lovely little fishy. Very friendly, he knows who i am i swear. Yeah, i get off the subject a lot.
That evening my family and I went to see The Village. Well, minus my brother Brent. He has his own life pretty much now. Except he still uses my parents for gas money.
Anyway, I thought the movie was pretty good. There was so much hype about it I had to go see it. And it was a period movie..so anything like that i'm drawn to. The movie definitely had a few good surprises but nothing as shocking as in the Sixth Sense i don't think. And the romance was a little slapped together...i mean those girls were awfully pushy.
Sometimes I really don't think all the "improvements" like dishwashers and cars really affect happiness. If i had a choice i really wouldn't mind going back a hundred years or so. At least the world was a little less ripped up and you could get pleasure from the beauty of it. So i could kind of sympathize with the elders of "the village." Especially if you were grieved over the death of a loved one.
Speaking of loved ones dying, Walter died last night in Rilla of Ingleside and I almost cried. Like everytime i read that. Dog Monday makes me cry too. He waits at the train station for four and half years for James to return. I always wonder if i could handle someone close to me dying. To pick up the phone and hear my brother was shot and killed. or my son..or husband, heck, even my dog! It amazes me how people could live their lives so normally for over four years when any moment news could come that family members had been killed or the war was lost. (The book takes place during WWI.) I think i would either have a nervous breakdown, kill myself, scream and cry everyday, or find there's more to me than i think and make it just fine. Maybe i'll see someday, who knows.
So I finished that book last night and I'm going to start a new one now. It'll be kind of lonely without Anne or the Count. I'm sure i'll fall in love with some other fictional characters soon enough though.
Today the cats jumped on my bed and attacked me for an hour in the morning so i just got up. sara made me chocolate chip pancakes since last time i tried to make them i burned my finger. chocolate chip pancakes are the only thing worth eating for breakfast. Well, it was more like lunch for me. Sara and I exercised with Tony and the kids then. That is how Sara refers to this one exercise tape we have. The guy has to be 40 or so and he calls the other people kids while they're around 30. Yeah, I hate exercise tapes. Those people are nauseating. How can you smile when you just did 200 ab exercises?? But Tony does and it aggravates me greatly. I have fun with the hook/uppercut section though then since i'm pissed at Tony.
haha, i go on about the most random things. That's what makes it fun to type though. I'm in a pretty good mood today too...let's see how long it lasts. This is day two of fairly upbeatishness! |
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| I don't care how, I just want you to tell me something new and terrible. |
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| 08:26pm 29/07/2004 |
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mood: lazy
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Once again my resolutions have been abandoned! So it appears I am back to typing excessively...at least for this entry! I have to say journals can kind of get to be like friends so I've missed typing here. I can say anything i damn well please in a journal so i will use that privilege. I tried to write in an old-fashioned,archaic, paper and pencil journal but i can't write fast enough. Typing is a lot closer to the speed of the thoughts that popping into my mind.
Well, I'm about one third through the summer and it's been a tolerable vacation. I've felt a little better but i still get in horrible moods. I always tend to isolate myself from my friends, or anyone, in the summer. I always find I do like being alone best though. But I need a balance of being with people occasionally...and not sara! I do everything with my sister since she and I are stuck at home. And we both really aren't rich in friends. I guess we're picky about people. I prefer my cats most of the time. Ekaterina is like a little puff of cotton candy. I love my little kitten. Anyway, I haven't done anything shocking to update with. I read some books and went to museums in washington d.c. and that's my summer. I try to exercise but that's not always happening.
This is the summer of expensive desserts and living in my books. I've been rereading for the fourth time the Anne of Green Gables series and by now i feel like i know them,haha. They make me happy though and Anne is good company. I just finished the unabriged version of The Count of Monte Cristo and it is still my favorite book. It actually felt pretty short this time reading it. Well, since I really miss the count i think i shall type all of my favorite quotes of his. Damn, that man has everything...intelligence, looks, wordly wisdom, super atheletic, mysterious, damn sexy and brooding, and of course, he has an inexhaustible fortune! Okay, the count has become real now too it appears.
"Death is the only really serious preoccupation in life."
"Hatred is blind, anger foolhardy, and he who pours out vengeance risks having to drink a bitter draft."
"There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state to another. Only one who has felt the ultimate despair is capable of feeling the ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."
"The sum of all human wisdom is contained in these two words: Wait and Hope."
"A weakened mind alawys sees everything through a black veil. The soul makes its own horizons; if your soul is dark, you shall see a cloudy sky."
"The sea is the cemetary of the Chateau d'If!"
"Perfection is in simplicity."
and for our final quote..."On what slender threads do life and fortune hang!"
Can't you just hear the wisdom resonating? Maybe i need to get out more if this is my idea of fun, haha. |
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| the future’s on the bound |
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| 07:55pm 20/05/2004 |
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mood: hopeful
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This is my farewell message to this journal, how sad. I've decided it bothers me to type all my thoughts out like this and broadcast them. It seems so generic and bare when it's on the computer. So I'm starting a pen and paper journal where I can make all kinds of strange doodles and write the oddest things I want without anyone to tell me I'm a freak. I really have enjoyed putting my thoughts in a visible form but I'm with Rousseau on this, back to nature! Everything is just starting to feel so prefabricated and plastic to me. I just want it to all be uncluttered and pure again. I love starting new and I think that's what I need to do with my life right now. Get out of all my old patterns since they haven't been serving me well lately. So I hope this tactic will work for me. I think summer will help in itself.
Goodbye Journal (and anyone who actually read this) |
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| your whole life sectioned off with red ropes |
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| 05:34pm 15/05/2004 |
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mood: anxious
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It's never nice to feel you aren't sure who you are. Most people would say this is a common affliction of teenagers with raging hormones. I think that can be a little too convenient of an excuse sometimes. Wouldn't you always be "you" anyway even if you are acting different? You've made the choice to act like that so it has to be in some part of your personality to exhibit the characteristics you put on for the world.
I have different voices for my different moods and I think a lot of people do. I'm wondering if that's a good thing or not. To be able to change your personality like that can be a bit unhinging. But back to what I said before, you still are you cause you are always you. If you're speaking in different voices though it almost is like taking on a new persona and that gets me thinking of multiple personality disorder. Maybe someday my mind will shut off the connections between the personalities and I will constantly be changing who I am with no memory of who I was before.
Maybe I never have been anyone. I've always had this layer of depression over me it seems. My mom tells me she wants Rachel back. So I guess right now I have no distinct identity besides depressed girl. Everyone always tells me depression isn't really who I am. Then I get confused though because I thought you are always you...How can I say that my sugar-coated smiling fake face isn't me? Maybe the happiness is distorted through the depression so I come out all fake feeling to myself. According to Sylvia, everything is distorted when I'm here in the bell jar.
Maybe I shouldn't even let my mind think like this because if it's all distorted what's the point of coming up with all these falsities?
Sometimes I see this thick layer of pain and depression coating the world. Maybe the more of it I feel, the more that layer will thin. So hurting myself seems logical if you think about it like that. Not as many people will have to feel it. Just me. And maybe I'm even helping myself in the sense that it will be over faster instead of drawing the pain out my whole life.
Someday I will wind all the pain and depression in the world around my little finger then I will chop it off.
I've always wondered if I could handle the pain of my fingers being chopped off. I remember watching The English Patient once when I was little and all I can remember is the part when this one guy, maybe he was a spy or something, is tortured by chopping his fingers off one by one. He loses them all because he doesn't give up any information. I wonder if I could stand to feel a blade slicing through my bright white bones. Ten times. Reminds me of chopping carrots a bit.
I think Prozac makes me feel more violence against myself. Usually I am more listless and passive in my depression. The hopeless mopey-ness. I felt like this when I first was put on it and now they've increased it so maybe that is why. Maybe this isn't really me, haha. Am I me even if I have artifical chemicals swirling around in my brain?
I really loathe feeling like this though. My muscles are so tense and they want to let loose their edgy energy against my body somehow. It seems to keep building up. So I have all that tension when you're stretching a rubber band. But will I really break or will I just be flung across the room carelessly is the question.
Earlier I was so apathetic. Someone must have given me a shot of molasses in my body. I felt so sluggish and everything made me dizzy. Now I want to tear out my veins or something. I'm either nervously typing or too tired to move my fingers. Too tired to feel the blood flow through my veins.
Is it possible that I can still be getting worse at this point when I have so many supportive people in my life finally? When I feel I really have some people who understand?
Is it a lie to say I'm fine since I haven't hurt myself but think of it constantly? I sound so messed up today. If I look at myself though I look perfectly calm and pulled together. My underwear even matches my shirt,haha. It's easier to go along with that image if everything is exactly matching.
Maybe I should write about what I've done so far today. Let's see if I can pull that meaningless trivia out of my mind. I woke up at 12 after going to bed at 12 and I was still tired. We went to Olive Garden for Brent's birthday. That should have been fun. Maybe it was; you tell me.
I type like I'm talking to someone and in truth I am. I'm talking to me because I really am great company. I'm always here. I think...haha. But really this is how my thoughts are played out, as if I'm talking to some imaginary portion of myself that will answer back. With all the right answers too you know. If there really is a girl behind the fog and the black wall maybe that is who I'm talking to. I doubt that though. I don't really think I'm split like that. Branches all begin in the tree trunk even though they can be very far spread. |
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| the sky is falling and no one knows |
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| 10:22pm 14/05/2004 |
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mood: distressed
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If I was the sun
I would be weary of waking up so early,
Everyday
Every single, solitary day
Maybe she should have some time off
Maybe she will end up blowing us all up
Wouldn’t mind that much
If I was the sun
I would be the center of your universe
Whirling
Whirling around me
Things go on without me though
But if you murdered the sun
The sky might fall |
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greymatter711's journal
Never Is A Promise